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Why I Am Mom First, not Friend, to My Children


The Palmer children dressed up in their medieval wear

I love my children but we are not friends. We have a great relationship although I must admit I don’t play a whole lot with my children. Often we’ll sit and play a board game, or read a book together, watch a movie, amongst other activities. Rarely do I get down on the floor and build Legos or play dolls. 

Why? One, I’m not a fan of Legos or dolls. Two, I’m not a child. I’m an adult. Fun activities for me include drinking coffee, crocheting an infinity scarf, or taking the nap my kids don’t want.

My three kids, ages 8, 12, and 14, enjoy everything from baby dolls, to drawing, to Yugioh cards. Do you know why? Because they are kids. 

Their biggest worry is getting out of their chores. I’m worried about how to pay for their braces. They also worry about whether they can get some spending money to buy candy. I worry about what to feed guests at the end of the month and buying enough fruit and veggies for my family to eat the right amount of vitamins and nutrients. 

We Live in Different Mental States

Notice the differences? My kids live on the same planet, in the same house, but we are in different mental worlds. This is to be expected as they are children and I am an adult. I’m not a friend with my kids because of these differences and also because the role of a parent is already a special bond without the need to re-label the word to meet some new politically correct world. 

Yes, I love my children and hope to foster a healthy relationship that will allow us to become friends when the playing field is more level. When they are on the same wavelength as me the parenting role can take a back seat to allow a new relationship to form. Foremost though, I am a mom and I love it. I kind of resent the world trying to change my label. 

A Societal Philosophy Change

The world now expects parents to be friends with their children in a new parenting trend. Don’t get me wrong. The philosophies behind the name are valid and wonderful, it’s the name change that bothers me. A friend is a completely different animal than a parent. 

Friends are someone walking life with you and on the same level. Someone who accepts you as you are. It’s a mutual relationship of respect, trust, give, take, support. The definition of a parent is completely different. 

A parent is a caregiver, a trainer, a manager, a personal chef, a maid, a nurse, and so much more! Parents provide for all the physical, mental, and spiritual needs of their children. Friends serve as soundboards and always have your back. Parents need to do more. We need to teach our children every aspect of life. A friend can be a part of a parent’s job but not the main aspect. 

That being said, the permissive parenting style where parents and children are friends has some merit as opposed to the authoritarian parenting style which works like a dictatorship. Communication is the key to any relationship and when you are friends with your son or daughter, you tend to communicate better.  

As a matter of fact, the absolute benefit of the permissive parenting style compared to other methods is the communication lines are always open. Look at what Rebecca Eckler said, So many of my mother friends complain that their children don’t talk to them, or complain how their children talk back to them, slam their bedroom doors, or basically ignore them. I wonder if it’s because they haven’t found the balance between being their child’s parent, while also being their friend.

Parents Give and Children Take

As authority figures, parents can be friendly with their children and enjoy life together. Enjoy your special bond! The thing is though, children are needy. Even as they get older and more self-reliant, they need a mom and dad for money, help with chores, setting up life, for everything. The relationship is very “give and take”, as in mom gives and the child takes

Parents give instruction, give orders, give food, give a roof of their head, give advice, give money, give clothing, give time, etc. A good parent is constantly giving in some way. A child takes. They take direction, food, shelter, advice, money, clothing, time, etc. For the first few years, we are our children’s main source of social interaction. 

A friendship based on one person always giving and the other always taking equates to a one-sided friendship, it’s destructive and will not last. However, a parenting relationship where the parents give and the child takes is the natural order. 

Your Children Can Get More Friends But Only One You

I had a conversation with a friend while pregnant with my first child. She was talking about the future how she hoped to be friends with her children. You know the cool mom who even the kids’ friends loved her. She asked me if I planned to be a cool mom. My response, I wasn’t cool when I was a kid I don’t expect to be cool when my kids are old enough to understand cool. Nor do I want to be my children’s friend. I want to be their mom. Friends they can get, they only get one mom. 

Now that I am a mother of three, my opinion has not changed. I am friendly with my kids but we are not friends. When lines blur, crossing the line becomes so much easier and children need thick, easily visible lines for security and discipline. I got this information from the greatest child-rearing source available: The Bible. Proverbs 22:6 tells parents to train their children young and when they grow up, they will continue doing what they were trained to do. That’s sound advice and from God, the one who sees the entire picture and not just a small chunk. 

What I want to you to take from this verse is that God calls us to train our children. Not co-exist and not be-friend. To train children means there needs to be an element of hierarchy. Now, I am all for a benevolent hierarchy (the Father I know is a loving God) but friends and parenting should not mix. We should have a special relationship with our children one with respect and love but the name for this relationship is a parent not a friend.

Parenting is a Job, Being a friend is Not

Parenting is the most important job. Seriously. We are raising the next generation of doctors, janitors, senators, teachers, and every other job. Our children will grow up to raise children and work. How we raise these sweet babies has a direct impact on the future. Will we create a generation of loving and compassionate children? Maybe we will create a generation of entitled dictators. We might even create a lethargic generation too lazy to care about the planet or others. 

Not only is parenting an extremely important job but one with very little training. Most people parent by following their parents lead or by trying to avoid their parents’ methods entirely. One new trend allows parents to befriend their children while they are still children. Past generations spent years teaching children to be quiet and obedient, but the new trends allow for more equality between children and parents.

Differences Between Parents and Friends

Not convinced yet you need to be a parent and not a friend? Take a peek at this chart highlighting the difference between the two.

ParentFriend
Make unpopular decisions and give advice. They train children to make decisions.Support and give advice but do not make their friends decisions
Create and enforce rules.Help break rules or decide which rules to follow.
Differ dramatically in maturity and age level.Are usually similar in age or maturity.
Children always need their parents. Children outgrow friendships with age and maturity.
Parents sometimes make children happy but their bigger goal is to train, correct, and provide safety. Friends are confidants, peers, and co-workers on the same level. They want to make each other happy not oversee their lives.
Parents should not share all the details of their life with small or young children.Friends can talk about sex-life and other intimate details not shared with anyone else.
Children need to submit to their parents for safety. A child can push back on friends if they disagree.

Final Thoughts

Love your kids. Live life with them. Play games, play dolls or Legos with them if you want. But do not allow society to dictate a change in name from Parent to Friend. Parents can be friends but need to be parents first. When you and your child are on the same wavelength, then go ahead and change the name if you choose. Just remember, even when you are 100 years old and your child is 75 years old, she will still introduce you as mom and not as my friend. 

Page Contents

Sources

  1. True Friendship Dynamics: The Definition Of A True Friend, www.betterhelp.com
  2. Why Parents Can Benefit From Being Friends With Their Children, www.savvymom.ca
  3. What Is A One-Sided Friendship And How To Avoid It, www.regain.us

Adrina Palmer is a stay-at-home-mom to three wonderful children and a wife to an amazing husband. She has a bachelors degree in Religion from Liberty University and works as a blogger, copywriter, and reviewer. Adrina is a Christian hoping to help other stay-at-home moms find the joy and simplicity as a mother and wife. In her free time she enjoys many crafts, writing, spending time with family, and reading. She would love to hear from you!



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